Tuesday, September 22, 2009

M.I.A.

Sorry I have been M.I.A. Unfortunately our family is grieving right now.

So last week I scheduled all of my posts to publish ahead of time. I had them all done the previous Friday and just scheduled one each day. I originally had done it because my mom was in town and I hate to disappoint my readers by missing a day. : ) Well little did I know what my week held.

So my mom was arriving last Monday and the Saturday before I took a pregnancy test.
Yea! It was positive. We were super excited to be expecting and that it happened so quickly. I think what I was most excited about was that I could actually enjoy the beginning excitement with my mom, in person. You see she lives in Colorado and with my past pregnancies it has been a long distance celebration but at least with this pregnancy, almost, our first couple of weeks would be in person. After picking her up from the airport on Monday I was getting the kids into their jammies. While my mom was downstairs I put "Big Sister" shirts I had gotten the girls and told them to go down and show my mom. We also told Bella to tell my mom that I had a baby in my tummy. It was actually pretty funny because my mom totally didn't get it. Bella told her and she kind of laughed and was like "oh not right now honey but some day." So the hubs and I were like no, right now! Finally the celebration could commence! : )



Sadly my story does not end there. To put it bluntly, I started spotting Wednesday and Thursday, after getting blood work done, it was confirmed I had miscarried. I have very mixed up feelings right now. I'm definitely grieving over the loss but then I'm feeling a little silly about being so sad since, although 4 weeks a long, I only knew I was pregnant for not even a week. I am very impulsive. And as soon as I knew I was expecting I guess my imagination got the best of me. I thought it was so weird the hubs wanted to wait to tell people since we never had before, but obviously his intuition was correct.

I'm also super grateful. So thankful, even though it made it even more disappointing, that my mom was here to go through it with me. Just being with me during the last couple of days was so nice. I'm grateful that if I had to lose a baby that it was earlier than later. I'm thankful that it all happened naturally and no medical intervention was needed. I thankful the Lord took the baby home if something was wrong so he/she could be healthy in heaven.

I'm not sure how people get through hard times without a heavenly father to rely on. Although we live in a sinful world and horrible things happen I'm glad I have hope in my heart that the Lord has a plan for our family. A plan much better and more exciting than we can imagine. So I will hold to that hope that something different is in store for us. I look forward to it unfolding. Satan tries to bring us down but he will only make me stand firmer in my beliefs.

So a mix of emotions. That is where I am right now. I feel a bit melancholy, especially now that mom has returned home, but I doing ok. Every time Brynn flashes me her world class smile I feel thankful. Every time Bella says something sweet it warms my soul. I couldn't help but be happy and thankful for my girls as they both asked to go to sleep in tutus the other night. They're helping me through, and the Hubs is smothering (in a good way) with love and tenderness. If anything this experience has given me a renewed sense of gratitude for my beautiful girls and wonderful husband. The hubs and I feel confident we are meant to have more children and will keep pursuing that dream, just perhaps a little more cautiously now.

When I started this blog I was apprehensive. I had this fear that something bad would happen because it seemed most people that blogged either had had something bad happen or were going through something. Obviously I know this is not true and the fact is we live in a fallen world and everyone is either heading towards a hard time, in a hard time, or coming out of a hard time. Sorry that sounds pretty pessimistic but reality is reality. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and the only way to have a true sense of hope, and to get through hard times without feeling crushed, in a hurtful world is in Jesus Christ the Lord and Savior. So I'll cling to Him, my hubs, and my wonderful family and friends as we find ourselves in a hard time right now. If this is a hardship we must go through, I am thankful that it is not much worse. There are so many out there suffering much harder things than what we're going through and for them my heart aches.

If you could just be in prayer for our family. Pray that we continue to heal and not let this event shadow the blessings we have been given and have yet to receive! Pray that we are able to move on and also pray for others that are going through a hardship right now. Pray that they'll rely on God to help them through and if they don't know Him that they will turn to Him to help them pull through.




3 comments:

Kelly said...

Oh Barclay, I am so sorry! I personally have never experienced losing a precious baby, but my mom and sister have both lost babies. I know that it is so so hard to go through. I completely agree with you about not knowing how people who don't know Christ ever make it through. Only by His grace and the knowledge that we'll see them again can we truly deal with it. I will definitely be praying for you and your family!
Take care,
Kelly

Kelli said...

Hi Sweetie- You are bringing God glory through your heart and words. We love you guys and are praying for you.

hadassahrose said...

I am so sorry for your loss! Praying blessings of peace and strength for you and your family through this time!

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    I used to be an elementary teacher but am now a stay-at-home mommy with three sweet baby girls. Bella is 6, Brynn is 4, and Brooklyn is 1. We also have a sweet Golden Retriever named Beckham. I have been married to the love of my life, Vincent, for almost 12 years. Although I hate the cold I am a Chicago girl through and through. And thats about all I've got!

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